saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
