Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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