still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
