I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
