Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
