Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
