Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
