No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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