Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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