I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
