yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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