she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
