We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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