the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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