Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
