you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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