Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
