He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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