i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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