this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
