Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
