Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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