Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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