lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
