Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
