toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
