I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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