so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
