Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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