Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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