I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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