I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
