Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
