you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
