Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
