It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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