I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
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Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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