Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
