totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to calm my uterus...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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