Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
