the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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