i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
