pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
