They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
