I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
