remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
