Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
