This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
