you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
