I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
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I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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