just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
