Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
