if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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