This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
