i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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