I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
