I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
