Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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