i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
