Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
