can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just high enough for therapy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
