Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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