ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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